"The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper."

"The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change."

"Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy.   And if he's re-elected he'll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy."

"President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena.   They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years."

"We got some bad economic news.   The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world's most competitive economies.   We're now #7. Switzerland is number one.   Romney said, 'See, that's why I keep my money there'."

"President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008.   Well, of course they will.   They have to.   There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live."

"The Democratic Convention began tonight.   What a difference four years makes.   Last time the theme was 'Hope and change.' This year the theme is 'Hope you don't make a change.'"

"That had to be rough for Ron Paul.   You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn't even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood."

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney on his purchase of the Republican presidential nomination."

"After watching Clint Eastwood last night, be honest, Sarah Palin is not looking to bad now, is she?"

"Mitt looks like every model in the Sky Mall catalogue."

"Outside it's like 82 and cloudy - like Clint Eastwood."

"Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health.  Well, there's a ringing endorsement."

"These debates are tightly controlled." Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules." It's like being a Kardashian husband.;"

"Mitt Romney is taking a bus tour." It's just like the Willie Nelson bus, except on Mitt's bus, the brownies are brownies.;"

"If Mitt Romney looks familiar it's because for 18 years on All My Children he played Palmer Courtland."

"The Republican Convention ended on Thursday." The Democratic Convention began last night." In between was a travel day for hookers."

"Paul Ryan is a dedicated congressman.   He sleeps in his office.   And I got to thinking, 'Isn't that what got Clinton in trouble?'."

"Paul Ryan likes to hunt and we all know that a vice president who hunts is always a good choice."

"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.   So he and Romney have something in common.  Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

"Ron Paul's son is a senator from Kentucky, and he's now endorsing Mitt Romney.   I know how that feels.   My son watches Jay."

"Last month Mitt Romney raised $76 million.   He found it in an old sport-coat pocket."

"Actually, members of Mitt Romney's own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague.   When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, 'Maybe'."

"A new CBS poll found that 47% of voters are supporting Mitt Romney, while 46% support Obama.   Well, it makes sense, 'cause if Romney wins, it's definitely going to be thanks to the one percent."